Hey Rabbi

He Says, She Says. Couples and Coronavirus

May 04, 2020 Season 1 Episode 2
Hey Rabbi
He Says, She Says. Couples and Coronavirus
Chapters
Hey Rabbi
He Says, She Says. Couples and Coronavirus
May 04, 2020 Season 1 Episode 2

He thinks he's a big help around the house while isolating. Does she agree?

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Show Notes Transcript

He thinks he's a big help around the house while isolating. Does she agree?

Follow Rabbi Moss on Facebook and Instagram 

If you have any questions email [email protected]

Support the show (http://PayPal.me/nefeshshul)

spk_0:   0:00
Hello and welcome to another episode of Hey, Rabbi, I'm Robin Marston. Today we're going to do a special edition on relationships during Corona virus. We are all in unusual circumstances. Many families are bunched together at home, spending way longer that together than usual, and some of our roles are getting blurred and we end up being challenged a little bit. Is this a time off Lessing for relationships or a challenge for relationships? Of course it's both. And even though there's rumors of many relationships falling apart, I think many of them are being strengthened. How about yours or your relationships going better at this time? Or a little cracks starting to appear? That could be a good thing. Maybe we're being shown the areas that we need to work on, and I hope it's going well for you. We're gonna meet a couple UT and Jess. I think that they have some issues that pretty common to many of us, and they were kind enough to share them with me. I first interviewed UT and asked him how things are going in this time of isolation, and he shared some of the changes that he has observed and things that he is trying to do to make it better. After speaking to him, I spoke to Jess, his wife, and what was fascinating was toe ask her the similar questions and to see if what came out was similar answers. And you may not be surprised to find out that there were certain, I guess, divergences of opinion between husband and wife on what was actually going on in the home in the very same home. Very same place for two people experiencing it very differently. Issues that come up specifically during this time of quarantine and isolation I've got. We'll call them, you see? And it is gonna tell us about some of the issues that he has been facing in being home family altogether and the possible strains and challenges that a couple may face during this time. So it he has it been for you so far, seeing him all day, every day.

spk_2:   2:15
It's actually been not terrible at at home up there. Probably. You know, the biggest issue really has been my wife saying, Do you really need to have start drinking a 10? Uh huh. All right. So, you know, maybe I'm not, you know, doing that. You know, rigor regularly Monday that Monday to Friday, but did look in general. And it has been it hasn't been bad. There's been a pretty good for the most part, pretty, pretty good, you know, balance of, uh, from, uh, sharing of responsibilities. Um, the wife's been phenomenal eyes very, very patient. She's been phenomenal doing that. The home schooling. I'm certainly not. Not as patient. So I've become like that. The gym teacher taking the kids ate, uh, you know, for a couple of hours in the afternoon to the park to get their exercise and everything else

spk_0:   3:08
and then decide upon she'll be the home schooler and you'll be the gym teacher.

spk_2:   3:13
Um, wasn't that he decided, I think, And happy just sort of happened where I gave it a go for the problem of the 1st 5 minutes, and she's like, Yeah, I'll teach them.

spk_0:   3:29
Correct what? We're pretty. You're lucky, man. You you're a great husband and you have a wonderful wife. And so that sort of relationship that you've built together and a beautiful family that you got has obviously that's that's been years in making. And now we're in a very different circumstance. Have you found like has there been any any precious or any particular issues that have popped up now that you've had to deal with that perhaps previously weren't so much at the forefront of your mind?

spk_2:   4:01
If anything, it's probably been it really has been more, more, more of the space, you know, side of things that anything else and probably more for for for my wife where, you know, up until this all happened from morning till, you know, lately afternoon, you know, the homeless was her domain. This is her space, and and now it's like, you know everybody. Of course, being on top of each other and we're off should go admit you know where you're going when you coming home. Just like I'll leave me alone. You know, Teoh, get so that I mean, that has been been. The only thing is it's been this has been hurt, kingdom her premature domain. And now, of course, it's It's a shared, you know, it's right, Mr Shared domain. But it I mean, it's funny. The, you know, I find myself I'm certainly trying to help us, much as I can. So I'm doing the vacuuming, actually. Quite injury vacuuming, but it's like it's like every second day I'm looking like I just vacuumed this place. You kidding me? I got what's going on here. Get a hot Now you know what I do with all the time? Yeah, right.

spk_0:   5:11
So you're I guess you're a new appreciation for the things that she does.

spk_2:   5:15
There is no question that being a look, I guess. Ah, I stay at home, Mom. Really, Who? But more important or more to the point, somebody who really does make that the house a home it is. It's probably It's definitely it's an underpaid and underappreciated job. Really? Then it zumba really it truly is unbelievable. And now, especially having the kids home, I think these guys could eat, Let me tell you so it's that kids like that's nonstop. Um, you know when you can Really? Yeah. I mean between It's in trying to keep the house clean and everybody fed and no, you know, trying to school them and still trying to have some personal time and everything else. And when you can definitely imagine, my people are hitting the bottle by one oclock in the morning. Yeah,

spk_0:   6:06
you'd respect for what? She what she does at home. And I guess also what about for the for the mail? You know, there's this certain male need and I'm generalizing here, but to be going out, you know, on and making a living. Bringing whom? The bread. How is it as a male to be stuck at home

spk_2:   6:26
from my perspective? Because I'm I mean, sales. I can pretty much do my job anywhere, so I mean, the fact that I can still pick up the phone, make calls, gonna video calls. And still, you know, I'm gonna do my job from from that perspective, that hasn't been as impacted as somebody who might. You actually have to go out and be a do. Being in a may be much more. Maybe more of a physical job or or type of

spk_0:   6:49
way. You working component before this?

spk_2:   6:53
Rarely, really. So do

spk_0:   6:56
you have this urge to just get out of there and just get on the road?

spk_2:   6:59
Look, there's no there's no question. So I'm I'm taking the dog out in the morning. I'm getting out, getting sure the kids eradicated in the afternoon. I'm out doing all the shopping and absolutely, you just made you just absolute get should focus,

spk_0:   7:16
because I I'm quite a homebody. I quite enjoyed being at home, and I do work at home in normal times as well is also at home. But she likes getting out every every day or every couple days. She needs to just get out. And but during this time she's been quite happy to be home. She's Bean less, having less of an urge to get out there, perhaps because all the kids were at home and we've got a whole life going on here. Counterintuitively. She's feeling quite satisfied being in the house and not not getting out at all.

spk_2:   7:46
I don't mind it at all, you know, and like like the same. And I can quite easily, you know, I could do my job. And, you know, I've got absolute all the comforts of home. I'm at home. I am. I'm definitely more the social one again, being either out at work or even going out at night or or doing whatever the case may be. Whereas I think just because of the situation right now, it didn't. Of course it is forced, you know, just to be in the house, who is much more of a of the home person, although, you know, should she does the school runs and everything else with the kids as the shopping Norman and whatever else. So it's interesting. I actually think she's got more still CAS, very probably than I do. And again, because that's almost like it's like It's like even I want to go and I can't go out, you know, type of thing, right? So it's almost interesting. It's almost been reversed, you know, a little bit in that regard, you know. But like I say, it, zee, it's not shoe. It's not. Look, it's not an issue. I mean, from that perspective. I mean, I'm I love it. I love being at home. I love having the kids here. Um, you know, I'm keeping my local bottle shop in business. That's what, although, you know, But I have to say it's not certainly the most conducive working environment. I mean, of course, having the kids here and having a dog that they're barking and whatever else my, um, yes, it's certainly not, of course, the easiest world to be working in right now, that's for sure.

spk_0:   9:17
And what about as a feel that this time has it brought you closer Has brought more tensions out? More issues? Have you be able t spend better time together? Or has it exacerbated stuff that was there before?

spk_2:   9:32
You know, in Well, probably the when I get really one of the biggest issues is me wanting to have a beer at 11 o'clock in the morning. And that should be like, really, like, really did, like, have to Or when you're drinking a little bit too much,

spk_0:   9:49
it seems to be coming out quite a bit. This was drinking issue.

spk_2:   9:54
Yeah, I I think, uh, well, I'm pretty confident. It's not just me right now. It is a lot of you, you know, It's I believe, you know, we've we've had it actually has been. Depression has been to many, you know, situations where we've been, you know, clashing because, I mean, I think we know it's almost like, are there the rules and responsibilities And so, you know, we know that, you know, just has been very, very good at last eight. I say to him, I mean, my wife Hey, you know, doing the home school. Like I know I actually made a comment to somebody a few weeks ago and said, you know, about me. Home schooling should finish, but I'm still what homeschooling you're doing. You're not doing any homeschooling. I'm doing the home spilling. All right, so wait, a very good, uh, understanding and appreciation in really understand. They say where I was, like, where our strengths are and, you know, almost strengthen well, say strengths and weaknesses. But like, for example, what really became very apparent is how I have absolutely no patience. And and so I think she's really understood that about me. Even more so than before, Shaggy homeschooling isn't is a really good example of things. Again, I'm trying. I try to contribute. Sometimes it's like I almost feel like you're not able to contribute enough, you know, toe the home. It is not necessarily something that has been, you know, commented on. But you almost really, because I'm here, I really extract You want to do more, you know, and and helping and try to really, totally no lessen the burden on her, you know? So if I mean, you know, try to clean up his much as they can or get the kids out, treating you for a couple hours.

spk_0:   11:43
So that's quite a quite a big step ahead. More, I guess, tolerant of your impatience and more understanding of that. And you're more willing to help and to contribute more in the home. That's that's quite a big advancement. But I mean, surely, you know, often men and women have different parenting attitudes or different philosophies. And I guess being in the same space for more hours would bring them out as well.

spk_2:   12:10
Thistle. And this already happened ages ago. Anyway, to us, it was like, You can't say that. That's not the way you approach chipped or they're gonna learn from you doing that. I'm actually, you know, I guess you could just yesterday, um, my way of encouraging my kids, I would be like, You're the best. You're the greatest. Your best of this fair. Fabulous. Andi, Just yesterday, Actually, you can't say that, because if there ever, you know, come in second, they're gonna have this massive, you know? You know. Oh, my gosh, man, it's, like, totally disappoint, you know? Said my dad, you know, in this case.

spk_0:   12:46
If you're only praising when they come first, you say, you know you're the champion of the you're the best out of everyone meaningful comparison that I see her point if you're praising your the best but what you've done not necessarily being the best compared to anybody, but you have achieved what I want you to achieve. That would be encouraging a child.

spk_2:   13:07
I thought so. Like even some bling like you're I think you're the best color. You're the best speller. You're the best. You know, I think you ask the best questions and it's almost like, you know, toned down a little bit on this, almost like this, over praised. And rather than take the approach of saying, I think I think you are the best, you know, I think you're the best. Are I think so? Rather than it's like more. The universal like you are the absolute best, saying turning more persons and I think you're the best

spk_0:   13:38
is the teaching, insisting that when you praise somebody, you bring out their talents, meaning appraise should not only be as a result of the good that somebody's done, but by praising somebody you encourage more to come out, And this is actually why we praise God as well. We praise God for his benevolence, kindness and blessings, because by praising, we bring it to the four. We're inviting more blessings down, and it happens with people as well. When you tell somebody, you know, you are really good at speaking, you express yourself really well, don't tell somebody. You know, you're like your kids, your great that coloring in so that encourages them, even if they haven't been doing so well to do. To do more surprises is a forward thing, not a not a not a back room for what they've done, but for what they were going to do. But you don't want to set a standard where only top success is recognized, and anything less than that is below your expectation.

spk_2:   14:37
It's like just a couple days ago, whatever I said toe with the kids and make nobody remembers second place and she's like, You can't say that, like, you know, you gotta imagine what they're good at, what's gonna happen if they ever come in second, and then they're gonna feel like totally dejected, you know, type of thing. So he's got a point there. Yeah, but it's true. Nobody have. Remember, second place, right? It is. We think way definitely have very different styles and and approach. It is, you know, uh, you know, I might be a little bit more. No, I shouldn't. She'll say with to me sometimes that you know, there's almost like there's no gray necessarily with me. That's, you know there's black, You know, we're or there's white where, you know, just confined maybe a lot more about, you know, middle ground. Whereas I'm not necessarily the best, you know, Mitt of middle ground er out there, you know, And I could be very, you know, praising on one hand and then on a minute later, going You can't do that, you know? And she's like home. And, you know, you're mixed signals. You giving them a lot of mixed signals, you know, kind of thing. And so it

spk_0:   15:47
sounds. It sounds like a t turn you down a bit your extremes and balance each other out. But what about what politically do you guys see? Eye to eye.

spk_2:   15:59
And And I would say in person we agree more or less, But when I what I mean, is what I may be thinking in my head. I might not verbalized to her just for our sake of peace in the house. Good example would be, uh, she might be quite left leaning. I might be a little bit more on right, you know, side of things. But for purposes of conversations in the house, um, and again with that wanted to cause more fights. I'll say, you know, I just tend to agree. I'm And I guess you know, you can certainly use somebody like Maybe, you know, Donald Trump is as a very good example where, you know, I certainly think that he's phenomenal for Jews, for Israel. I certainly think some of the things that he says is a little bit Miss Sugar, but my wife is absolutely, you know, but most anti trump, you know, person in the whole world. I'm not necessarily getting into the whole, you know. Why do you think he's doughnuts? Andi? Everything else dementia sites you know you need to do is watch any one of these American talk shows. And it's just 24 7 nonstop. You know, Trump bashing, you know, like that gets of course that get that gets an interview. People's heads, you know. So

spk_0:   17:24
you do politics or do you just avoid that topic?

spk_2:   17:27
If look, if we do talk politics a again, I will. I will tend to just probably agree with her for the sake of just agreeing. But I will. I will, however, also always say that there's there's that there's two sides to every story, and not just in politics. But it could be, too. You know, something? We've heard about another couple or whatever. The case may be always made. This I was to science is always two sides. Yeah, I mean the you know, the trump when I actually wish we had somebody more, more locally that we could refer to. But if we take a look at the Australian Prime minister, some people think he's doing phenomenal with this thing. This thing cues is not. Thankfully, the way he had one good thing that's come out of this is is the way that he actually managed the bushfire incident. We got a ton of masks sitting in the garage that we bought were good from from that regard, Mom. But it is it looks, there the politics. I really I tiu avoid conversations that could potentially lead to a fight.

spk_0:   18:32
That's a good idea. But I think the same, Yeah, it's important that the skill of disagreeing respectfully is a lost skill. I believe in our world. And, you know, Trump is just a good example of the That's a really divisive topic, that everyone has a position one way or the other. And but we seem to have lost the ability to debate rationally and respectfully, even if it's vehement and passionate on topics such as politics, our opinion of Trump and his policies, and certainly in in a marriage, by definition, you're a man and a woman coming together looking from different perspectives from the male and female perspectives. You're coming from two different family backgrounds and, yeah, creating a union and so on. All the issues that you've brought up aspires parenting or how to praise or education or patients or politics, all of these areas, even when you're really well aligned, your well matched. But you're looking at it from very different perspectives and the ability to appreciate that there's a totally different way of looking at things that is not crazy that it is not not foolish, its's got basis to it. I think that's an amazing skill, that humans are getting worse and not better at, and we need to regain that skill. I think it's quite a Jewish skill, you know, in the Talmud, the Thomas full of debates, rabbis debating screaming at each other, and they sometimes even call each other names. But the best friends they love each other, and the reason why it's screaming at each other's because they're seeking truth. And they were able to be friends afterwards and talk in a friendly manner even after debating passionately. I think we need to regain that

spk_2:   20:16
that well, that's that's where you know, you know, it was mentioned before almost almost having that, that that middle in the gray area, you know, everything is so black and white in, in, in, in many regard and and certainly, you know, talking, of course, but But Judy is a moment, and I love the fact that for every question you know there's five or 10 different answers, so of course there's a pretty good and you're gonna find something in, in in. In one of those answers, you know, But, I mean, I get I get is a yelled at, But I've been although quite often, you know, would you be like, you know, if somebody says something you don't like, you just become so defensive. But I might come try not to be defensive asset. You know, you're defending your position. Of course, nobody likes to be wrong, but I was actually were, you know, another. We've just we've come out of pace and every year, leading up leading up to paisa my wife, she it's like the most tortuous tortures. Holiday hates it. I can't begin to say, And for at least a week, two weeks leading up to it. Where ever told you how much I hate paste? I hate this meditated Hated, hated, hated exchange hates changing over eight. The clean hates it hates it, hates it. What do I say? I might hate it, but your soul so appreciative of what you're doing. Forget about my soul thing. It's like it's like that, you know I should, but I know in the back of my head, you know, she's saying, you know, we really saying that much. She doesn't like it, but you know, once once we're doing it and once once we're into it, you know when we're doing the Seder and everything else she she gets, she gets into it. She you know, she she does eventually gets into it. But again, the whole leading up to it, it's it's brutal. And then there's pressure, you know, me and a family. But, you know, make. I'll take care of everything. I'll go on. I'll do the shopping and under the changing over. And although the cleaning so again, you know, you're trying to do everything to make just really comfortable and at ease with the whole process, but even accept once we started getting into it, she's like, Oh, you know what? We really should be doing this like I say that for itself because we should do it this way. We should do this. What should you that sound like? I know like she's you a little bit of that. It's

spk_0:   22:35
really loves that Maybe maybe she just wants a bit more appreciation for all the effort that he's put into it. Then it's a little little good.

spk_2:   22:42
Or for somebody who doesn't like change, you know, I really I tried. I tried to do everything you know, and then that's where again. It it's creates quite interesting, because, you know, you've got everything that's happening at home with the current environment and then potentially with, you know, politics and everything else. But then if you've got sometimes you've got, of course, different differing opinions regarding Jewish aspects, you know, and Jewish facets and things like that that also makes it, you know, quite interesting. You know? I mean, like, I remember, like, you know, it came turned for their the kids option. I don't want to cut their head that I'm like, I'm only doing it for you, like in my head of, you know, you're doing it for your soul, you know? But of course, if I say that to her, leave me alone with my school. You know, You know,

spk_0:   23:37
you're in pretty well with what? With all of these various challenges. You seem to be going great. So I want to say thank you to you to see and to your wife. I think you made up her name, Jess. So to her, as well, blessing and access. And you should continue to get Teoh increase your respect and honor and love for each other, especially at this difficult time. Thanks a lot. Okay. Now we've heard from you, etc. His side of story and his experience of how things are going. Now let's go to Jess. His wife. She doesn't know what we spoke about, and I'm gonna see if she's experiencing things the same as him. Okay, so we've got just on and we're going. Teoh, have a little chat about the situation that we're in now in, I guess. Isolation, quarantine, whatever it is where we're all at home and some of the blessings on the challenges that come with it. So you, Jess, what have you felt? It's being having your husband home pretty much full day every day.

spk_1:   24:39
Okay, Well, as I've said, too many people, I think that I'm not sure what is more challenging having the kids time or having my husband kind because it's my domain. It's my realm. It's I'm in control. And when everyone is at home at the same time obviously can be very challenging. It's also like I like things done a certain way. I know how things are supposed to go. I know what to expect and I take those things on upon myself. And when you have somebody else there, there is some expectation off them doing those things. But also, if you're a control freak like I am, you want things down a particular way. And if it's not done the way you want, you just it's like, Well, I might as well just do it myself.

spk_0:   25:27
So isn't but is he helping around?

spk_1:   25:30
You know what he is? I mean, his head. I think he thinks he's helping a great deal. Um, does you know what's funny after? But he says, I love vacuuming. I Why don't you do it more often? And then he noticed. Is the Mawr won t. If he's done the vacuuming, he'll say the next day I just vacuumed. How does it did it again? What happens until the one during the cleaning and you notice things more. Obviously you're the one that's tied up and then it gets me see again,

spk_0:   26:09
right? So I think that gives him a more appreciation of what it means to keep the house tidy. And

spk_1:   26:16
absolutely I think he has. I think he has a a great appreciation for what? How women, Whether they're kind of like what you know full time workers or if they're part time or if they're stay at home moms. I think he has a real appreciation for what women do in the hime. But again, that doesn't always translate. I mean, it's, you know, I like men and women like, you know, they're just differences. And no matter how much grand cheat you might have, he still doesn't say a thing. And I know how things work into a lot of my girlfriends. We all have the same complaints before and after isolation. You know, if you're gonna unpack a dishwasher, I'm talking. Don't back off and leave the stuff that only accounts of that you don't know where it guys hoping it's magically going to find grow legs and put itself away. That's more elevating than stop, you know, like no, I'm doing it all Yeah, yeah. Like doing things half. You know, when I think probably I don't know if a lot of men did,

spk_0:   27:22
I would say so.

spk_1:   27:23
Thanks be honesty

spk_0:   27:27
on but about with the kids. Like obviously, we all have different parenting styles and, you know, as far as discipline or a Zhar is how we, you know, we give praise or criticism or all those type of things. Have you found that when you're sort of but doing it much more together at home?

spk_1:   27:47
So I guess it's again stuff that was happening before isolation. But now I feel like there's a magnifying glass on everything because there is nothing else. So everything is exaggerated and you are gets more acutely aware of everything. And I think that those differences become glaringly obvious. And I think that it's so much easier when you're, I have often said it would be kind of easier, just apparent align than it used with somebody who parents differently to you. And then, obviously, if you bring up a difference that you could be taken as a criticism instead of maybe a suggestion of how to do it differently. And again, I think it's it's you know, I think it's challenging for somebody who's not always on time and is you know that they I think for a lot of dads they spend alone, you know, they got the morning time before they go to work and then they complain from work, and it's It's a short period of time that they're spending with the kids. So I guess they have more patience or is more energy for it.

spk_0:   29:00
Is your nation guy.

spk_1:   29:03
You know what? It's funny because he is patient. It's, isn't he? He's patient, but he can lose his temper. But then you get so everything's much more quickly than may. So if something happens with the kids, if, for example, one of our Children who is quite challenging, act up, what does something that I don't like? I will hold on to it, and I have trouble letting go of it. Where is he will move on very quickly and be back, you know, tumbling with them. But I think that's also the difference between men and women. Like I think he's more physical with the kids. He can tumble a play fighting and is not physical, whereas I am or verbal and analytical and I'll signal when I talk,

spk_0:   29:48
he's ready to move on.

spk_1:   29:49
Yes, yeah, it's like next. You know, if the same was when you watch, like little boys and little girls playing in the background always will have a fight. I don't like you wouldn't like you. Okay, let's play ball. You know it's over before thinking, Where's goals? It's a little bit more involved,

spk_0:   30:07
right? I guess, is also a Christian. There's different ways of taking criticism. You know, some of us, you know, love it to be get, you know, constructive criticism. And I can improve myself. Some of us get very defensive and feel, you know that. You know, we're being attacked all the time, and everything's wrong. And I also could be partially male female thing that sometimes, you know, like if a woman points out to a man, you didn't do it the right way or, you know you should. Don't you like about the dishwasher? So, yeah, the reaction might be, Well, okay, so I'll leave you to the dishwasher. I'm just trying to help, and that's not right, you know. And then we we, as men, feel discouraged from helping because shop Every time I do it, it's not the right way. And where, and I guess I guess there's different ways of pointing out criticism and when it's when it's coupled with a lot of praise and like there's like Thanks for doing this I'm so appreciative that you did it and it's a wonderful job. Just if I could point out that you left half of it on the counter,

spk_1:   31:12
I Yeah, I get that. But you know it, like from a woman's perspective, I can always I I'm so aware that, like when he does do something, I cited myself. You should you should, like, really express your gratitude and praise him for what he's done. Like to encourage him to do it again. But then I think, you know, there's like so many times I do so much around the house I don't get thanked for I don't get praised for it. I just do it because that's what I dio, um, so I kind of feel not resentful. That's the wrong word. That's a bit too harsh. But I come on, did like you're an adult, just pitching. But you're right, like I guess, foot for men that I do feel like no matter what they do, it's not right that positive reinforcement is really important.

spk_0:   32:04
And equally for women, women do it all the time doesn't mean they deserve less praise or less appreciation in the country that deserves more. It's sort of ironic that if somebody is always the one who empties the dishwasher, they then then it's just taken for granted. So they never need to be thanked for that. Where somebody who along once every three months and empties the dishwasher needs toe have ah whole, you know, celebratory party. You know, you're right. And I think, and I say for myself as well, and for every couple think there's never enough praise and appreciation like you've never said Thank you too many times. And And it would be, I think I think we'd all be so much better off if we would look out for things we could say Thank you for, like, actually, yeah, actually, try and try and make, you know. I know some. Some have the custom of a daily appreciation session where, like, they make sure every single day they're gonna find something to say. I'm really appreciative you're doing us. Thank you for doing this. Or I noticed just saying I noticed you doing that. It would be to be good for all of us. The practice?

spk_1:   33:13
Definitely. It's like what? He was like this. So I was gonna say like it's like that thing that they say about a smile like a smile is contagious. Just his anger is contagious, you know, I know that as soon is I don't know. I've had a disagreement. We've you know, the kids eat, then translates to my relationship. And then, you know, angry Z's is contagious as well. But you're I like If you do express that gratitude and it's and it just becomes, like a daily occurrence, it's it's obviously a much like the energy of the household would be so much more balanced and brighter and would been translate to the kids that actually, one thing I have to say that my husband, he's very good about. Whenever I cook something, he makes a huge being about. Look what Mommy made. Isn't it delicious? And thank you, Mommy. Did we all say thank you to Mommy for making it? And I really appreciate that because I do spend a lot of time in the kitchen and I what a lot of love and thought into what I make for my family. I you know, I don't just make things that I want to eat. I mean, 80% of the time I'm making things that everyone else wants to eat them. I'm looking for something for myself. De eso. I really appreciate that. I think like he does make a big effort. I I feel like he does a lot that probably a lot of men don't do. And yeah, I could I could definitely show you more appreciation

spk_0:   34:42
way feeding the family. So we just had pace off, which is a a big feast on a lot of effort and a big preparation and cleaning. How did that go for you? And do do you enjoy Pacer?

spk_1:   34:58
Hey, something's probably one of my least favorite times of the year. Followed closely behind should stay young, keep or I can't. So growing up, I didn't change over everything. That wasn't our family custom. We traditional but we'd never attracted, Like, you know, we put over from its away. But that was it. My husband is more much more observant. So for human, we change over everything. And I said him this year particularly. I was so overwhelmed by everything that was happening in the world. And he now lives outside of Pacer. I said, I just can't. You have to deal with it. I can't do it. So he went. He did all the shopping. I told him what to get. Hey, changed over everything. What? We mean, we have boxes in our bedroom full of from everything else. And I have to say it was actually one of the more relaxed pace offs because it didn't have guests. I didn't. I usually do to Sighters. Well, at least one in the past I've had to do to. So I do a lot of cooking And you know, when people come over, they can't bring because we keep it to strictly. But this, too, was a lot more relaxing. It was nice to have just us and not have to worry about a less so even been going out like, What am I gonna take because we can't eat anything out because we couldn't go out. So it was actually a very chilled pace off. It was like the first time that I wasn't so resentful. That's awful. But it was also it had another layer of meaning for me, given what's going on. And I may short Teoh educate the kids about you. No way leaving something that what we're Commemorating is something that we're living right now that we can't go out and there is a disease and we're staying inside because we want to be safe. And my oldest found it very hard. It was very disappointed that he weren't coming over for Sade on and he, you know, he would say to me often I hate this car, but being and for them is very, very hard to understand. But I like that it coincided with pace off because, really, I mean, like, we were doing the plagues. We added, right for us, you know, it made it more real

spk_0:   37:18
exactly. In a positive light came out over, pays off, I guess, like of the experience that's that's yes, going back to the kids. So do you like, as far as praising the kids, encouraging them, criticizing them, you know, like there's one thing criticize criticisms and prices between a couple. How about with gets, Do you and your husband have different ways off praising the kids?

spk_1:   37:44
Yes, that's funny that you bring this up because we have this discussion yesterday, so my husband will often say to our elder, I will say to both November particular eldest who can be very hard on himself and isn't the most conflict despite his outward appearance. He's not the most confident little boy, and my husband will say to him off him, like I think you know you are the better, Like I saw that thing that you made and that's the best thing I've ever seen. And you are the strongest you know, seven year old and you all the best looking seven year old. And he keeps saying, You are the best. You are the best of us sitting yesterday You know, you can say to him, I think you're in mate. You know, it's not saying you are the best, you other my strong because I don't want him to have an inflated sense of himself and go out into the world thinking he's the best or he's better than somebody else Or, God forbid, he doesn't do the best at something that he's somehow disappointed. He my husband, because all his life always heard is you are the best. You are the strongest. I said you could say to him, I think you're amazing. I think that you try so hot and I love that you you know that You us, You know? So either you that activity you tried so hard and you did such a great job on it. It doesn't have to be you all the best. And you would like to inflate His is ego. Actually, he took it on board and he made a point. Teoh, say to him, You know, you nobody or like that was incredible what you did and looked at me like did I do OK

spk_0:   39:23
theme and the work that's been done, But not not saying you're the best compared to others or that you've exactly your the top.

spk_1:   39:35
I mean, I said, I know where he's coming from and he wants him to feel like he is his biggest fan and he always has back. But I come from a place off. You're not any better than anybody, like not in, Not in. I like I think he's incredible, and I think he's got a huge heart, and I think he's very kind little boy and he tries very hot and he's loving. But I don't want him to everything stand next to his friend and say, Well, I'm better than you in some high. You know, I think that that's what important as a human being, Teoh To know that you are no better than anybody else. You can try your best and you can do your best. And but it doesn't make you any better than someone.

spk_0:   40:16
You gotta be the best. You

spk_1:   40:18
exactly exactly Like I always say, I always say, like, stay in your lane like don't worry about the people. Don't compare because he's very competitive. Any is always comparing himself to other people and it's not there. This one has this, and this one has that does. You know, you're you, like, concentrate on yourself, even even like, you know, for bay in basic terms, when he's swimming, looking around to see where he is in the race. Don't look around cause you'll actually slow down. Just concentrate on yourself and do your best. That's all you can Dio.

spk_0:   40:57
That's a great metaphor. If that's the life, you know that if you're if you're swimming, if you're looking at every else you're actually not not getting ahead where you can go.

spk_1:   41:05
Yeah, if I could just

spk_0:   41:06
go to a totally different topic and I don't talk politics. But yeah, if if I got ask you between you and your husband, are you politically aligned or use or in politics, you quite different?

spk_1:   41:20
Um, we are difference. I'm not sure 100% of the time how serious he is, though, because he's a bit of a well, he's very, you know, him. He's a joint con. He's very sarcastic, and he liked to get a rise out of me. So I don't know whether he's just challenging me to get a rise out of me or if he really feels this way, for sure. I know that in very basic terms. Politically, if someone is pro Israel, he will. It doesn't matter what are the policies or other starts as they have on anything. Hell back then, Puli, Based on their how I feel about Israel. Me, I'm I'm I am definitely pro Israel, but I am also concerned about humanity in general. So, like Trump, whenever Trump comes up like, I don't think he's a huge fan of Trump, but he loves it. He's very pro Israel, so he's like, Well, he's good for the Jews. So he's good for May after me, I can't stand the man. I can't stand the way that you know he's his views on most things. The only thing I think I would green on is his stance on Israel. In that way, we are very different. I think that my husband won't even talk politics with me anymore because I get too riled up. You know, he's trying to have a joy again, but then he will talk to my dad, who is very pro. Trump is, you know, Republicans in these in the He's American, he's very Republican. And he he'll he'll have a go about from in front of my dad to get a rise out of my dad even though he's, you know, like that's him.

spk_0:   43:04
So is it so Theo? He thrives. I debate the disagreement, Libit attention, and you would prefer to sort of. But that top is

spk_1:   43:15
I want him to agree with me if he doesn't

spk_0:   43:20
if he just doesn't agree and he were talking about politics. We're not talking about the way you bring up your kids or something that's really personal. We're talking about a world world issue which in the end it's it's not so impactful on our life. Can you allow him to disagree with you?

spk_1:   43:37
Yeah, Yeah. I mean, it's uncomfortable for me because I'm quite liberal in my views. And on a political level, if there's any kind of perceived injustice for me, that's very hard to to sit with. So when that's called into question that it becomes kind of personal for May, even though it has a hearing on my life like us, politics has no bearing on my life. He, uh it's that it's when it comes down like, and it a very intrinsic level. I would hope that my partner in life would hold those same values as strongly as Ideo, and he might, But he doesn't. He doesn't feel it. It doesn't weigh on him like it would on me

spk_0:   44:23
do complement each other, you know, And so we it could be that you do align your views, but just the way you express them is certain, I guess, maybe a passion that you have. Where is for him? You could sort of see by sides a little bit and be a bit less passionate about it, which could be which could be a good thing in some ways. Look thanks so much for sharing this with us. And I think you guys are doing amazing as a couple

spk_1:   44:50
on. And it's

spk_0:   44:52
time where when we were all being tested in a way, because it'll, you know, squashed together in that space. And obviously it's not perfect and it's not easy under the things will come up, but I think which the points, he said. With the ability to notice the good in each other and give price words where it's deserved on and emphasized the positive, I think we can come out of this closer on marriages and families even closer than before. But what do you say that you see in just what a great couple I think they're not so atypical? I think many of us banks were very, very similar things. We're all doing our best, well, trying. We're not always getting it right. But considering the extremely unusual circumstances that we're in, we've got to give ourselves a bit of a pat on the back. So let's be a bit more patient with each other. Let's be a bit more forgiving and cut each other a little bit more slack than usual. Appreciate every single thing that the people around you doing to try and be more helpful and close it and and more cooperative with you at this time, recognize the good, you know, it's a funny human habit to always point out the mistakes, the failings, the things that are missing and overlook all the things that are good. And sometimes 99% is good and that the little 1% it isn't. That's what we focus on and we speak about. I mean criticized, Let's be the exact opposite. Let's emphasize and exaggerate even the small little things that are good and positive. Our partners and I loved ones and the people around us, and then the little bits and pieces that don't go exactly right. I think a lot of that we can overlook, keep well, keep safe and next on the list.